Ramblings in the Night…..Religion, Faith, God, &
growing up Gay in the South, Part II
Change
is never easy. There are always growing pains with change. After I was outed,
my whole family and some few friends were up in arms about finding out that was
gay. Robbinsville being the small town that it is. The news that I was gay
spread like wild fire and within a few days everyone knew. For some it didn’t
matter. They still loved me and cared for me. For others, I being gay was
unacceptable and they didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I had
expected as much. But it still hurt, deeply.
My
best friend, Joel, who I trusted more than anyone wouldn’t even speak to me. We
rode to church together for years. Worked in the churches bus ministry
together. I was with Joel the night he got saved. We had just left church, and
was heading to town to the pastors house like we did every Sunday evening after
church. I could tell something was wrong. When I asked Joel what it was, the
answer he gave me, shocked me to my core.
Joel
pulled his truck over at the garbage dump on snowbird. He looked at me and said,
“I’m not saved. I’m lost.” Big ole tears streaming down his face while making
this confession to me. I was thinking if anyone was saved and born again it was
the young man setting in the cab of the truck beside me. I looked at my best
friend, and said, “Joel you know what you must do to be saved.” We’ve heard Brother
Jimmy preach on the subject enough. Plus all the other preachers that we have
set under. All you have to do is surrender to the Holy Spirit, turn it all over
to him. Believe that Christ died for your sins and accept his free gift of eternal
life. I said, “Joel do you want to be saved?” Are you ready to surrender your
life to God?
There
on the side of the road, in the parking lot of garbage drop off. I was
privileged to see my best friend give his heart and life to Jesus Christ. The
Holy Spirit moved in that truck. I could feel its power. I could have ran a
marathon by the time we could compose ourselves. We were crying. I ended up
getting behind the wheel and driving us on into town. Once we got Brother Jimmy’s
and delivered to good news. Everyone there was crying. It was a wonderful
night.
Now
it was gone. My best friend, had left me. I felt like I deserved it. The
betrayal though, made me angry as well. I hated my life. I was mad at God. I
was mad at my church family. I was mad at my family. So I stayed away.
A
few weeks after my coming ordeal. Brother Jimmy called me. He asked if I would
meet him, Grant, and Joel at the steakhouse in Sylva up by Roses. I said, “That
I would, and asked what time.” So I met them. Joel didn’t come with them. Grant
told me that Joel was having a hard time with this. I told Grant that it had
not been a piece of cake or a walk in the park for me either.
We
ate out meal and talked about what the issue, “Me being gay.” Brother Jimmy
finally told me that if I didn’t publicly apologize to the church for the “homosexual
lifestyle,” and refrain from going to gay bars that he would excommunicate me.
I had until Sunday morning to decide. If my stomach wasn’t already in knots as
it was. My stomach was torn up after that conversation. We parted ways shortly
afterwards. Both Brother Jimmy and Grant told me that they loved me and that
they were praying for me as was the whole church.
I
could feel a twisting and tearing going on inside of me. I’m not sure if it was
rebellion at being given an ultimatum or what. But I didn’t go to church that Sunday.
If this was a test from God, I don’t think I passed. I know that I was fight of
my life. The part of me that wanted to be true to myself was warring with the
part of me that wanted my old life back. The life that went to church every Sunday.
The life that never questioned what the pastor said, was anything other than
the gospel. At times I felt like I was going to split apart.
Days
turned into weeks, and weeks into months. I didn’t go to Robbinsville. I didn’t
speak to mom. Then just before Easter, the Friday before Easter to be exact. I
was in Asheville shopping. I was at Stein Mart on Merrimon Ave. I had a Lincoln
Towncar and it had a phone in it. I was just leaving Stein Mart when it rang
and I picked it up. On the other end was my Mom. It was the first time I had
spoken to her in months. She wanted to know if I was coming home for Easter. I
told her that I hadn’t plan on coming in. She asked me if I would. I told her
that I would have to think about it. That I wasn’t going to come in if all she
wanted to do was argue. She promised me that there wouldn’t be any arguing. She
missed me and wanted to see me.
I
was in tears leaving Stein Mart. I loved and missed my Mom something bad. We
had never gone so long without talking to one another. We were and are very
close. I still love my Mom to this day. We don’t always see eye to eye, but I
still love her and call her nearly every day. I called her later that afternoon
and told her that I would come in on Sunday for Easter. I actually drove home
on Saturday afternoon.
She
was happy to see me. And I had an ally in the one place that I didn’t expect.
My step father. My step-father Jimmy, was on my side. Now that doesn’t mean
that he liked the fact that I was gay. But he knew the close bond between Mom
and me. He told Mom that if she didn’t get pass this that she would loss me
forever. He is still your son. Now you have learned something about him that
you didn’t know nor had any idea about. But if you want to have a relationship
with him and have him in your life you are going to get pass the gay thing and
see him as your son. And that is what Mom did.
That
doesn’t mean that she likes the fact that I’m gay. But she would rather have me
in her life, than not have me in her life. And I wanted Mom in my life. She was
very important to me. And so was the rest of my family.
I
only lived in Asheville a short time. Then moved back to Robbinsville. If and
when I did go to church I went with Mom and Mamaw Pauline. They went to Long
Creek Baptist Church. I knew most of the people there. And Ms. Linda was the mom
of my childhood friends John and Jody. She welcomed me with open arms. I only
remained in Robbinsville for maybe a year. Before I got a job at the University
of TN in Knoxville.
The
growing pains of trying to figure out what it meant to be gay, was at times
most difficult. Plus trying to navigate being Gay and Christian. Robbinsville
didn’t have much to offer in that area. In order to protect myself. I moved
away. I still wanted my family in my life. But I wanted a life as well. I
needed to discover who I was. At that time there were know how to guide books
to being gay. I didn’t have any gay role models. Ellen had come out but she was
a lesbian.
I
found an apartment for rent in Knoxville. And moved in. I had a roommate, whose
name was Mark. He was gay. I experienced the gay lifestyle so to speak. The
bars, drinking, drugs, sex & partying. Made new friends. Joined a group
called Dare2dv8. I dated and slept around. There was no such thing as a gay
role model that I could find. Don’t get me wrong. I met plenty of gay people
that I could look up to. But no role models. As the saying goes, “I was a gay
young man in a Str8 world.”
I
went home often. I still wanted to see my family. I missed church. So when I
was in I would go with Mom and Mamaw Pauline. I missed that fellowship. I
missed singing in the choir. Even though I was gay I missed that closeness with
God that I once had. Many time I felt I didn’t deserve to have a relationship
with God. That I was unlovable and not deserving. My Church had turned it back
on me. But that didn’t mean that God had. God still loved me and Christ died
for me. And the Holy Spirit came into my heart and claimed me when I was a
young lad. No, I’m not perfect, I made mistakes, but God stilled loved me
regardless of all my faults.
Then
as luck would have it. I got a job working as a writer for a newspaper in TN.
It was a gay newspaper, called Outandabout newspapers. Today is goes by
outandaboutnashville. You can check them out at outandaboutnashville.com. The
editor of the East TN bureau asked me to write an article about a church that
was gay friendly that she had heard about. So after making a few inquiries I found
out where the church was and who the pastor was. And called to see if I could
come in for an interview. The pastor invited me to come to their Sunday morning
service. So I did. I got to attend service and speak with the pastor. After I
got home I wrote my article for the paper.
It
wasn’t long after that the article was printed that several religious
denominations became more accepting of gay & lesbian people. That one
article lead to 7 or 8 more. Because I ended up visiting them all and
interviewing not only the pastors but members of the different churches.
Because of this I had a renewed faith that God still loved me. And wanted only
the best for me. While most don’t see it as the natural order of things, love
knows no bounds. Gods made us great and small, rich or poor, gay and str8.
It
has been 20 plus years since I first came out. Was my coming out experience
traumatic and rough? YES… Do I regret it? Some days I do. And other days I don’t.
Would life have been more simple and easy for me to have kept the real me
bottled up and never to come out? Probably. Coming out today is for most not a
life altering and traumatic. For some it still can be, especially here in the
South, in the Bible belt.
I
was reading a book a few weeks ago, by one of my favorite authors, Alex
Sanchez. The book is titled, “The God Box.” I bought it in the early part of
2016. Read it. And then read it again. If I had of had this book when I was
coming out. It probably would have helped me tremendously. While the main
character was wrestling with being homosexual during his high school years. I was
seeing into my mind’s eye of my youth and high school and wrestling with being
gay as well. I didn’t come out while I was in high school. I came out while in
college. I understood the struggle and turmoil of what it meant to come out.
For some it’s a piece of cake. For others if the stress and worry don’t kill you,
then you might have a chance.
Today
my Mom and I still have a close bond. She has met a few of the guys I’ve dated.
She has invited them into her home and she has even stayed in my home with me
and my partner at the time. She has come to accept me being gay. She doesn’t
understand it for the most part. But she loves me and only wants what is best
for me.
It
has been over 10 years since I stepped foot in my old church and heard Brother
Jimmy preach the word of God. The church welcomed me back and made me feel at
home. I got to hear my choir sings those old hymns that I love so much and
fellowship again with my best friend Joel. Love and Forgiveness go hand in
hand. God said to love one another as Christ loved you.
John 12:34-35
34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I
have loved you, that ye also love one another.35 By
this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to
another.
This for now
is the end of this story. There are other parts that I might go back and
revisit at a later date. Much still left unsaid. But for now this is enough. I
know that God loves me. I have faith in knowing that. That is all that matters.
By: David M.
Shuler
29JAN2017
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